What he lacks, he comes up with his personality. Okay, he might not be the best person there is in the world, so what? He happens to be a great person.

He is one of my brothers, and no matter the insults and the jaunts, I still happen to be one of his biggest fans.

I mean, who among all the people I have known can write that well in Filipino? Only him. And in his biggest accomplishments one day, I would be there in the crowd cheering for him. There is no doubt he’d reach that.

Who among in this nation can have his hair butchered and still feels he is a handsome person? Who in this country can keep his cool amidst all turbulence? There might be a lot but there are a few I have crossed my path with.

And all I can say to him is thank you(an understatement, of course). Thank you for making us(Pump Squad) a part of your life. Thank you for blessing us with a friendship that has been more like a brotherhood to me. Thank you for being the little funny beast we can turn to when we need a “kuya” and a friend.

And as much as I can, I(and the rest of Pump Squad) would be here for you through thick and thin.

And in behalf of pump squad, happy 20th birthday, dags. =)

I know it might sound a bit cliché, I am wishing you many happy, healthy and successful years. For you deserve all those.

His sense of humor is so inconsistent one would not know when would he drop his punch lines, or when your joke would be laughed at. His giggles reach an octave I know I can’t do.

Some may say he is quiet as a mouse(we, the people he has been with most, thinks the otherwise) , but his presence can be felt. And no one in class can surpass his great hands when it comes to what he does best, drawing. I, myself, can proudly say that I have not seen any person with such prowess, one of the best, if not the best.

There are not much people in the universe like him. Talking to him would never be nonsense. Wisdom comes with age they say, but having him as a living proof, wisd0m comes innate. He is the youngest among the six of us, biologically, but he is mentally the most mature. And words spoken by him are words not usually spoken but is the truest in any sense.

He is in any way cool for my taste. COOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOL! I have not yet seen him wear anything trashy.

And maybe as he sleeps at this very moment, there is nothing that can stop me from saying that he is one person, without any bad baggage, smarter than me.

If there are people that would be shortlisted into becoming my dream kuya, he would truly appear in the list.

BTW, his favorite hobbies are sleeping, sleeping, sleeping…oh and sleeping. =) One more thing, he loves taking a *toot*, it makes him think better. LOL.

He just had his 18th birthday last March 20. 18 but wiser beyond his age.

Joecen Kevin U. Dalumpines deserves another year that would be of no match to any utopia.

(Ghurl, happy birthday! LOL)

I have been selfish.

But please don’t think I have been the worst kind of friend.

I really tried to be a good friend. But there are circumstances when my foul human needs get in the way. If you only knew that there are complications in my life that make me hang on the edge, when insanity has the more powerful gravitational pull. And these cause my inconsistency. But there is no way you can understand, and no I don’t ask you to do so.

And as much as a person who only wanted a family, it is I who need to understand.

And as a person who never had much, it is I who have to learn to give the little of what I have.

And sorry if Renard can be the worst brat in the world. But thank you for letting in to your lives that brat.

She is surreal.

She was more than I have expected. And she gave me feelings that tingles all senses.

She is my lady, yet my girl. If only I can shout to the world that I have someone I can call my owner.

And in the dark we made the most of the time we had.

If only night was the only time in the world, if only dreams are real.

She has been haunting my dreams for several nights. And as light floods in, all I think is, “Dreaming is so much better than awake.”

She is surreal, literally.

If we constantly try to go with gravity, won’t there be airplanes?

And so is this applicable with us. If others can believe it, so are we. We can’t stick to stigmas because it’s what everyone believes. You make yourself of what you believe!

If you dream, dream big. Dream what is not the obvious. Dream dreams bigger that anybody else has perceived of you.

I never wanted being alone, but I can’t even find myself in the crowd. I never seem to fit. I am scared of solitude, but where is tranquility in a sea of many familiar faces.

I see not much reasons to be happy. They say there are many reasons, but they all fall short of what I really wanted, which I don’t really know.

I want to escape, but to where? This is a lonely place, but where in this enigma can I see what I seek.

Tears are held back, but I see no reason for it to fall.

I don’t know what’s wrong. I can’t decipher what the insanity is about.

I can’t trust anyone, or maybe I never learned to trust. So many encouragements and I appreciate them all, but they are not what I look for.

I don’t know. I can’t even trust myself, maybe the most untrustworthy human I knew.

We were six different individuals. We had but different personalities. Yet we clicked through our uniqueness.

Sonny Boy Ramos. A different case of self-confidence. And there is no other person I could be most insecure of. I may have surpassed him with my height, he has surpassed me way more than I expected. Sonny is this and that, and Renard would never be those. I have to admit, yes, he is the coolest among us. A living example of a person who is vain of his hair. A person with a silver heart(he has his own share of naughtiness and nastiness).

He may seem to have not much, he offers much more than his petite image shows. Hands down. He is the closest to everyone. And I have to apologize to him for being irritated with him a lot.

Joecen Kevin Dalumpines. A man who has stood up to what he believes he has to do. He happens to be the GC-est among us. And those characters make up those I admire him the most. A lot thinks he is the most quiet among us, but no, he happens to be the wackiest. Not only was he the most creative. He draws so well that I would never want to put my own creations beside what he made.

A person whom you would think never had much experience with life. He doesn’t know much about household chores, but a person who knows beyond what experiences offer. The wise advices of this wise person is a great escape from the usual yawyaw of people.

Robert John Laurio. The most in love in the group. The lovebug may have bitten him, but nothing has changed except his time. He is secretive in so many ways and seldom do I see him get irritated. Others say that he is the kindest in the group, though I disagree, he happens to be the most patient.

I have to say that Robert still has to boost some of his confidence. But he is willing to learn, I know that. And I know that he is willing to be better.

Vincent Rassel Laude. Unlike Robert, he had the most number of heartaches. The loudest person though. He has great issues with his lovelife. He is this person who has alotted the most time with his lovelife, but ends up broken. But maybe someday, a person would appreciate him as he is. If he only knows how to wait.

Cheng happens to be the happiest albeit that he carries those issues. A laughter from him would complete a day of BJ 2-1. And a crack from his voice would complete the laughter he has caused us.

Justine Kevin Umali. The baby boy of the group. The one we had most fun of fooling. We call him baby boy, Jollibee, Patrick and the list goes on. The one person in the group who still has to bloom a million folds for his actual age. His pessimistic personality may be too much for us to carry, we happen to manage. Maybe something would be missing if we won’t here at least a hundred question from him.

He is the Ondoy survivor in the group. He has strict parents, he has issues with his grade, he has issues with his maturity, but he treats us with the fresh dose of how it is to be a child. He shows childishness and child-likeness in ways like no other.

And me. The drama king. The noisiest emo in the class. I have the worst mood swings in the group. And I happen to be the worst friend.

And I have realized things I have denied to come into me in the past. Pump Squad has been the best roller coaster ride I had. Much more than what I experienced with my friends in highschool. I feel remorseful of this but it is true.

And through it all, I have been the worst baggage. I think I have dragged them down to my misery when I need them, instead of making them lift me up. I have the worst tantrums and I wanted them to be there for me…just for me.

I had been selfish. I had been possessive. And worst, I have forced them to do things for me.

I found them my family here in Manila. But it is too much. I seeked for too much security from them. And I gave them false security they might not have appreciated. They remained to be there beside me, but I don;t know if I being beside them is enough, or maybe too much?

I have realized this after our Intrapersonal/Interpersonal Communication Team Building as I walk in solitude to an unknown woods, I have to let them go. I have to give them the freedom they need and want. I am not the only person, nor am I the only friend they have. They can now do as they please, I am here to help when they need me, but I am not going to interfere with what they want. I was jealous before of the other people in their lives, I am now willing to give them that. If they find happiness much more than what the group offers, I am willing to let them.

I don’t know why but I feel sad. I have invested too much emotions with this group that letting them do as they please that I am no part of may be too much for me as of now. I think this would be best for me though.

I want to be a great friend, thus I would become one.

Thank you for everything and sorry. Have a nice semestral break guys.

Peace out!

December 16, 2008

I was filled to my limitations on my first Christmas party with my new college family with food, and as well as the tauntings and curses.

December 17, 2008

The Pump Boys and Girl Powers didn’t stop there! We also had a major videoke on a humble number of tokens. LOL. But it was very fun. Come to think of it, Joecen sang:

“…Idadaan na lang kita sa awitin kong ito…”

Joecen?! Imagine that! The silent giant! LOL!

December 19, 2008

I also went to UST’s Paskuhan. I don’t want to divulge too much information because it might cause a lot of spilling of secrets. I did not enjoy much the bands since we were not into Bamboo (or my friends are not into Bamboo). We had loads of pictures! And I am still waiting for the uploads of Karen. I slept at around 4 AM in the freezing room of Nikka. I was crumpled on the floor. I woke up at around 8:30. Eventually getting home at around 4 in the afternoon after we, Karen and I, helped Nikka for she will be leaving in the afternoon for the USA, unto the angry environment of Auntie Beth’s home.. LOL.

Next stop, December 22, 2008, Dusit Thani Manila. Occassion? Debut of Ms. Berron Mercado Ferrer.

No stiff formality at all. It was extremely fun! Even though I was mistaken as a photographer, I had a nice time with my highschool friends. I got to sleep in Nicole’s place with Noel and Sam Mariano. We had a share of a humongous Grand Matador. The problem was in me though, I left Noel and Sam drinking when I finally surrendered to Slumbertown!

December 23-24, 2008

I went to Auntie Mel’s place in Caloocan to see my relatives in my father’s side. I was able to go to at least one Simbang Gabi with my cousins. There were so many people! I forgot the feeling of going to a church. LOL

DECEMBER 25, 2008! CHRISTMAS DAY!

Finally, I am home! LOL! We didn’t have our annual tradition of Christmas party. It was the driest Christmas of the family. But then again, we went to Live Bistro for some drinks and some music and some dance grooving (and some smoke! WE SMELLED SMOKE! ARGH!). It was fun, being able to be with my cousins and 2 aunts. LOL!

There are still a lot to come.

I don’t know when I would be able to see the whole gang of TJandF.

December 28, I would go to Jzzle’s place for the celebration of her birthday.

December 27 (I think), I would go to the Alumni Homecoming of the graduates of my alma matter, College of the Holy Spirit of Tarlac.

Tsk Tsk! A bit too full for a schedule, right?

Anyways, a merry Christmas to all!

Everyday I see my friends and I feel the gaiety I can’t feel at home (If I can still call it a home). Mind you, it is not my real home. My real home is in Tarlac, in the loving, even though not filling, arms of my parents.

School for me is more like a home for me here in Manila. And my friends are my family. And we are one big family. Now, subjects are getting harder and homeworks are mounting higher, my friends made it all bearable.

I feel like a house-elf. Quoted from Ronald Weasley. I do this and that inside this fortress. I do the washing of dishes to washing of soiled clothes of everyone. I am not asking for sympathy, I actually have another cousin (asides from the cousins who are the sons of my aunt, they know nothing in these chores) who lives here to study and do so much more than I do in this slaughterhouse. But nonetheless, they love him more. When he makes a mistake, they laugh it off. When I make a mistake, they snap at my head. They hate me, I can feel it. They think that I know nothing. I know a lot, but I still am going to know a lot. It is a constant process right? Everyone acquires knowledge and wisdom on the way. All the more, I guess the thing that made them think that I am stupid, know-nothing, picky, and a brat is because we, me and my family, used to live very comfortably. But they can’t seem to understand me, or maybe I don’t understand them. I do hope they realize all my efforts and see who I really am. The I that was lost in the process to fit in the picture/

I always tried my best to be loved by my relatives but they see nothing of my efforts but rather of my faults. Living under the roof of who you were supposedly to call family is a nightmare for me. I do make mistakes but I hate it when they make me feel stupid. I am stupid, I know, but not entirely as stupid as hurting as much out of a person. I am not perfect and my imperfections are too exposed to them that they would take every chance into diving on the sore spots. I hate the most when I usually read between the lines of their comments about my parents. My parents are not oaf, maybe impractical before, but not good-for-nothing. I see all the strains my parents are going through to help us. Right now, I have a lot of resentment breeding in my heart, I try to keep it in as much as possible so I won’t hurt people’s feelings. I hate the irony when I feel the responsibility to make people not get hurt as much as possible, but they get all chance of inflicting pain in me, and of all people, my relatives hurt me the most.

I go unto constant depressions. I really do. I always feel like I am on the verge of breaking up and going insane. I don’t usually confide my problem to anyone because they might think that I am weak. I am stronger than what they all think I am. I get depressed with all the problems. Nobody knows really what I am going through. No one knows specifically what I am suffering. i show a facade of happiness, but there is a turmoil inside of me, a child scared of what is going to happen next. A child who wants to be loved and not get constantly hurt.

Maybe, just maybe, when I get rich, my relatives would notice me. Maybe when I am more than what they have thought I would achieve, they would feel the pangs of my resentment. But that is it, I never hold grudges. But I am going to show them who they are stepping on right now. A toe rag into a king.

This is an interesting topic for me. I confess it, I am a virgin with a very high libido. There! You caught me in the face. Maybe I do masturbate too much or maybe I just don’t know how many times others do.

Why is my stupid blog talking about this topic? I am turning 18 and I sometimes come to fathom about why. I may not be a handsome person but there are a lot of people there who are more hideous than I am who had a few shares of these experiences.

Premarital sex is a taboo thing especially here in conservative Philippines. And I just can’t imagine what my mom would do if she would be able to read this blog. But all the more, even all those restraints the oldies tried to do, a lot are still doing it. And it is all too normal for me. I am not saying though that it is okay. Just normal but not okay.

Whenever I cross the path of a handsome boy, my mind starts to formulate thoughts like, “Does he have a yummy f*ck buddy?” Or when I cross the path of sexy liberated women, “What does she look like when she f*cks?” Things like those.

Yeah, you may call me a sex freak but I never think things like that on my friends. That I swear. Except for a few times with those friends oozing with appeal or those who are too liberated (but I swear I never thought of those things with friends too dear to me).

Sex maybe too much of a word. Too much for my youthfulness. Too much for my innocent face. But I am a young healthy teener and I swear that I don’t have a corrupt mind that thinks of nothing but semen and climaxes. Nah-ah. Just a healthy young man’s mind working.

I may or may not experience that in the near future. But I won’t deny that I look forward with jitters and butterflies in my stomach. I am excited and scared! LOL.