This thing called “Puppy Love”

I am insecure with a lot of things. You are to witness my own confession.

One of the things I was never secure with is my looks. I am ugly, yes. But I am one of the best persons you’ll know, I say this with a straight face and with all humility.

So, what is with the title? This thing called “puppy love”? One would never be labelled a normal person if you never had one.

Recently, I fell in love (I used the cliche since I am at lost of words, but I also call it infatuation). This lady (or maybe she still is a child) was one of the prettiest in school. Long hair, tall (she might even be taller than miniature me), very pretty, she has all the physical aspects a man like me (or maybe I’m still a boy?) would yearn for. I was stunned when I first saw her. I was like, “Is this what they called love-at-first-sight?” Can you believe that? I, one of the advocates of not believing in LAFS, am actually falling for a girl on a stupid, non-sense basis? But I did. I told and promised myself she would be my first girlfriend. Yeah, exaggerated may it seems but I did say that. Maybe it was a joke, but a part of me is saying, “I hope she would be.” To cut the story short, I have learned her name. I have known her number. And we became friends (or text-friends). I actually enjoyed texting her, she WAS one helluva fun to be a (text)friend.

Until tragedy struck! She saw the physical me! The ugly me! Maybe she got too engrossed with our texting experience, that she never thought I call also gross her out in person. We never were the same again after that. It came as a surprise.

I had a few days of enigmatic moments. Until I came to a conclusion that she might have not liked what she saw. It made my insecurity grow. I have started to acquire the idea that I am hideous. I may not be the same again! (Exaggerating me again…LOL) But my face may have blew up all the chances of having a friendship with my prettiest woman. Though it contradicts what she said in one of her text message. That she never look upon the physical aspects of a person. But maybe I reached the limitations? Or even have went beyond it? Or maybe have been a mile above it? Or… (sigh! You get it don’t you? LOL)

And the feelings? It flopped! I don’t like her as much as I have liked her. She still gets to excite me but I don’t feel that much jitters. I don’t even want to meet her anywhere. Maybe because she pricked my pride too much, or she had trodden into a taboo ground (the ground of my insecurities). Or maybe I did start to like her but she disappointed me, vice-versa. Another maybe is I maybe just too paranoid? But no, I am not paranoid, I know it is all true. This is not paranoia, this is reality. A reality that I am ugly and that I would grow old alone. But I would defy reality! See me in a year dear and you’ll be on a fit of rage (LOL! an evil laugh).

So what is with the title? Nothing. It is a confusing thought. Where would I draw the line? Was it just puppy love or infatuation? But why does it still hurt, or why it even got hurt in the first place? Sigh! This thing called “puppy love”! (I only came to realize, puppy love has the term love on it! LOL)

Anyway, I have reached my limitations. Till next time bloggers. Tah-tah! Bhetot signing off…

Me…

I am the avatar of perfect secrecy. A kiddo whose neurotic behavior resembles that of a yoyo. My obsessive compulsiveness borders on slight lunacy, which I hate and love at the same time. They say I’m nice so I guess I’m nice. I can be your friend but never your worst enemy because why bother making enemies when you can just ditch them and go on with what you do best having a life. what you see is not what you get so come inside and take a look around. Dont think Im a snob, just secluding myself to some people who have a deteriorating brain and the like. But I’m actually friendly. Wow! Confused ha. I do crazy stuffs. Friends say Im funny bit corny. But some people say that I’m spoiled! Stubborn! Hardheaded. Headstrong. I love challenges. I stick to my intuitions. I dont let other people control over my decisions. Im such a sloth. Im very lazy and slow. Cant keep up with this fast-paced world. I symbolize a very happy-go-lucky approach in life. Whatever the surroundings may be, harsh or cheerful, I remain unaffected. In fact, I spread cheer wherever I go, really. I am good at consoling people in their times of need. I dislike hypocrisy and tend to be away from hypocrites. I’m a typical teenager that could have has his own world. Holds his own principles and follows his own rules which is definitely true because I make my own rules. Others say I’m just a quiet type of buddy but it all falls like this. (moody lang ako..) Sometimes. if we can get along better than any other sH*ts in the world, then we can jive.. if not. why make ourselves feel worse? Just simply quit… (stuff) I hate rpg games. I don’t play computer games. I copy, I’m a freak, I’m shy, I’m wild, I’m hyper, I’m lazy, I’m a crammer, I work hard, I fight, I love, I sin, I’m weird, I fool, I laugh, I forgive, I’m impatient, I wait, I’m dirty, I’m neat, I’m political, I’m imperfect (no duh..), I’m funny, I’m corny, I’m free(or not), I hurry, I rush, I’m aesthetic, I’m experimental, I’m adventurous, I get easily scared, I derive joy, I see everything…

Pump Squad

Pump Squad, a fun name we called ourselves.A fun name for a bunch of funny people

We were six different individuals. We had but different personalities. Yet we clicked through our uniqueness.

Sonny Boy Ramos. A different case of self-confidence. And there is no other person I could be most insecure of. I may have surpassed him with my height, he has surpassed me way more than I expected. Sonny is this and that, and Renard would never be those. I have to admit, yes, he is the coolest among us. A living example of a person who is vain of his hair. A person with a silver heart(he has his own share of naughtiness and nastiness).

He may seem to have not much, he offers much more than his petite image shows. Hands down. He is the closest to everyone. And I have to apologize to him for being irritated with him a lot.

Joecen Kevin Dalumpines. A man who has stood up to what he believes he has to do. He happens to be the GC-est among us. And those characters make up those I admire him the most. A lot thinks he is the most quiet among us, but no, he happens to be the wackiest. Not only was he the most creative. He draws so well that I would never want to put my own creations beside what he made.

A person whom you would think never had much experience with life. He doesn’t know much about household chores, but a person who knows beyond what experiences offer. The wise advices of this wise person is a great escape from the usual yawyaw of people.

Robert John Laurio. The most in love in the group. The lovebug may have bitten him, but nothing has changed except his time. He is secretive in so many ways and seldom do I see him get irritated. Others say that he is the kindest in the group, though I disagree, he happens to be the most patient.

I have to say that Robert still has to boost some of his confidence. But he is willing to learn, I know that. And I know that he is willing to be better.

Vincent Rassel Laude. Unlike Robert, he had the most number of heartaches. The loudest person though. He has great issues with his lovelife. He is this person who has alotted the most time with his lovelife, but ends up broken. But maybe someday, a person would appreciate him as he is. If he only knows how to wait.

Cheng happens to be the happiest albeit that he carries those issues. A laughter from him would complete a day of BJ 2-1. And a crack from his voice would complete the laughter he has caused us.

Justine Kevin Umali. The baby boy of the group. The one we had most fun of fooling. We call him baby boy, Jollibee, Patrick and the list goes on. The one person in the group who still has to bloom a million folds for his actual age. His pessimistic personality may be too much for us to carry, we happen to manage. Maybe something would be missing if we won’t here at least a hundred question from him.

He is the Ondoy survivor in the group. He has strict parents, he has issues with his grade, he has issues with his maturity, but he treats us with the fresh dose of how it is to be a child. He shows childishness and child-likeness in ways like no other.

And me. The drama king. The noisiest emo in the class. I have the worst mood swings in the group. And I happen to be the worst friend.

And I have realized things I have denied to come into me in the past. Pump Squad has been the best roller coaster ride I had. Much more than what I experienced with my friends in highschool. I feel remorseful of this but it is true.

And through it all, I have been the worst baggage. I think I have dragged them down to my misery when I need them, instead of making them lift me up. I have the worst tantrums and I wanted them to be there for me…just for me.

I had been selfish. I had been possessive. And worst, I have forced them to do things for me.

I found them my family here in Manila. But it is too much. I seeked for too much security from them. And I gave them false security they might not have appreciated. They remained to be there beside me, but I don;t know if I being beside them is enough, or maybe too much?

I have realized this after our Intrapersonal/Interpersonal Communication Team Building as I walk in solitude to an unknown woods, I have to let them go. I have to give them the freedom they need and want. I am not the only person, nor am I the only friend they have. They can now do as they please, I am here to help when they need me, but I am not going to interfere with what they want. I was jealous before of the other people in their lives, I am now willing to give them that. If they find happiness much more than what the group offers, I am willing to let them.

I don’t know why but I feel sad. I have invested too much emotions with this group that letting them do as they please that I am no part of may be too much for me as of now. I think this would be best for me though.

I want to be a great friend, thus I would become one.

Thank you for everything and sorry. Have a nice semestral break guys.

Peace out!

Merry Christmas

I swear to God I had the most number of gimiks this vacation!

December 16, 2008

I was filled to my limitations on my first Christmas party with my new college family with food, and as well as the tauntings and curses.

December 17, 2008

The Pump Boys and Girl Powers didn’t stop there! We also had a major videoke on a humble number of tokens. LOL. But it was very fun. Come to think of it, Joecen sang:

“…Idadaan na lang kita sa awitin kong ito…”

Joecen?! Imagine that! The silent giant! LOL!

December 19, 2008

I also went to UST’s Paskuhan. I don’t want to divulge too much information because it might cause a lot of spilling of secrets. I did not enjoy much the bands since we were not into Bamboo (or my friends are not into Bamboo). We had loads of pictures! And I am still waiting for the uploads of Karen. I slept at around 4 AM in the freezing room of Nikka. I was crumpled on the floor. I woke up at around 8:30. Eventually getting home at around 4 in the afternoon after we, Karen and I, helped Nikka for she will be leaving in the afternoon for the USA, unto the angry environment of Auntie Beth’s home.. LOL.

Next stop, December 22, 2008, Dusit Thani Manila. Occassion? Debut of Ms. Berron Mercado Ferrer.

No stiff formality at all. It was extremely fun! Even though I was mistaken as a photographer, I had a nice time with my highschool friends. I got to sleep in Nicole’s place with Noel and Sam Mariano. We had a share of a humongous Grand Matador. The problem was in me though, I left Noel and Sam drinking when I finally surrendered to Slumbertown!

December 23-24, 2008

I went to Auntie Mel’s place in Caloocan to see my relatives in my father’s side. I was able to go to at least one Simbang Gabi with my cousins. There were so many people! I forgot the feeling of going to a church. LOL

DECEMBER 25, 2008! CHRISTMAS DAY!

Finally, I am home! LOL! We didn’t have our annual tradition of Christmas party. It was the driest Christmas of the family. But then again, we went to Live Bistro for some drinks and some music and some dance grooving (and some smoke! WE SMELLED SMOKE! ARGH!). It was fun, being able to be with my cousins and 2 aunts. LOL!

There are still a lot to come.

I don’t know when I would be able to see the whole gang of TJandF.

December 28, I would go to Jzzle’s place for the celebration of her birthday.

December 27 (I think), I would go to the Alumni Homecoming of the graduates of my alma matter, College of the Holy Spirit of Tarlac.

Tsk Tsk! A bit too full for a schedule, right?

Anyways, a merry Christmas to all!

Depression, School, Household Chores

I am starting to enjoy school now.

Everyday I see my friends and I feel the gaiety I can’t feel at home (If I can still call it a home). Mind you, it is not my real home. My real home is in Tarlac, in the loving, even though not filling, arms of my parents.

School for me is more like a home for me here in Manila. And my friends are my family. And we are one big family. Now, subjects are getting harder and homeworks are mounting higher, my friends made it all bearable.

I feel like a house-elf. Quoted from Ronald Weasley. I do this and that inside this fortress. I do the washing of dishes to washing of soiled clothes of everyone. I am not asking for sympathy, I actually have another cousin (asides from the cousins who are the sons of my aunt, they know nothing in these chores) who lives here to study and do so much more than I do in this slaughterhouse. But nonetheless, they love him more. When he makes a mistake, they laugh it off. When I make a mistake, they snap at my head. They hate me, I can feel it. They think that I know nothing. I know a lot, but I still am going to know a lot. It is a constant process right? Everyone acquires knowledge and wisdom on the way. All the more, I guess the thing that made them think that I am stupid, know-nothing, picky, and a brat is because we, me and my family, used to live very comfortably. But they can’t seem to understand me, or maybe I don’t understand them. I do hope they realize all my efforts and see who I really am. The I that was lost in the process to fit in the picture/

I always tried my best to be loved by my relatives but they see nothing of my efforts but rather of my faults. Living under the roof of who you were supposedly to call family is a nightmare for me. I do make mistakes but I hate it when they make me feel stupid. I am stupid, I know, but not entirely as stupid as hurting as much out of a person. I am not perfect and my imperfections are too exposed to them that they would take every chance into diving on the sore spots. I hate the most when I usually read between the lines of their comments about my parents. My parents are not oaf, maybe impractical before, but not good-for-nothing. I see all the strains my parents are going through to help us. Right now, I have a lot of resentment breeding in my heart, I try to keep it in as much as possible so I won’t hurt people’s feelings. I hate the irony when I feel the responsibility to make people not get hurt as much as possible, but they get all chance of inflicting pain in me, and of all people, my relatives hurt me the most.

I go unto constant depressions. I really do. I always feel like I am on the verge of breaking up and going insane. I don’t usually confide my problem to anyone because they might think that I am weak. I am stronger than what they all think I am. I get depressed with all the problems. Nobody knows really what I am going through. No one knows specifically what I am suffering. i show a facade of happiness, but there is a turmoil inside of me, a child scared of what is going to happen next. A child who wants to be loved and not get constantly hurt.

Maybe, just maybe, when I get rich, my relatives would notice me. Maybe when I am more than what they have thought I would achieve, they would feel the pangs of my resentment. But that is it, I never hold grudges. But I am going to show them who they are stepping on right now. A toe rag into a king.

What a virgin has to do (please don’t take this against me)

Woah! I’m back bloggers.

This is an interesting topic for me. I confess it, I am a virgin with a very high libido. There! You caught me in the face. Maybe I do masturbate too much or maybe I just don’t know how many times others do.

Why is my stupid blog talking about this topic? I am turning 18 and I sometimes come to fathom about why. I may not be a handsome person but there are a lot of people there who are more hideous than I am who had a few shares of these experiences.

Premarital sex is a taboo thing especially here in conservative Philippines. And I just can’t imagine what my mom would do if she would be able to read this blog. But all the more, even all those restraints the oldies tried to do, a lot are still doing it. And it is all too normal for me. I am not saying though that it is okay. Just normal but not okay.

Whenever I cross the path of a handsome boy, my mind starts to formulate thoughts like, “Does he have a yummy f*ck buddy?” Or when I cross the path of sexy liberated women, “What does she look like when she f*cks?” Things like those.

Yeah, you may call me a sex freak but I never think things like that on my friends. That I swear. Except for a few times with those friends oozing with appeal or those who are too liberated (but I swear I never thought of those things with friends too dear to me).

Sex maybe too much of a word. Too much for my youthfulness. Too much for my innocent face. But I am a young healthy teener and I swear that I don’t have a corrupt mind that thinks of nothing but semen and climaxes. Nah-ah. Just a healthy young man’s mind working.

I may or may not experience that in the near future. But I won’t deny that I look forward with jitters and butterflies in my stomach. I am excited and scared! LOL.

Ocean Park

Just went today to the fantastic world of Ocean Park.

WOah! I have never seen such number of fish!

It was simply fantastic but in the end, you would have this feeling that it should have been more… But all the more, I totally enjoyed it!

It was an early birthday gift given to me by my cousin, Anne Rine Murielle Gacutan. And I was simply awed. Imagine! 400 pesos per head! And you would just be there for a couple of hours or so. That is if you are bringing a camera and you are simply a camera freak. LOL.

Fish of different colors and different sizes! Plus awesome corals!

There are sharks, sting rays, lion fish, starfish, sea horses, eals, crocodiles, Nemos(clownfish that is), Dories (blue whatever) an the list goes on!

It was very memorable. A one of a kind experience I would never forget.

most and -est again.. hehehe

This is the second part of my list..

And now I continue…

The most wonderful dancer I’ve seen. Jzzle Lapid. Very graceful and very good… You could see every single step, very definite, and still very beautiful you would be awed until you just feel that every saliva in your mouth falls on the floor. Another wonder on the dance floor is Danyne Villaroman. A bomb! You would feel like Maja Salvador got down from her throne way from Heaven Almighty and possessed this wonder.

The most wonderful voice I have heard live, well aside from my own(please no comments.. LOL), there are Geofeleen Fernandez, Sharlyn Pacat, Rhoda Depona, Noel Ligero and of course Gian Zamora. Geof, no words could measure this Sarah Geronimo-alike. She is this singer whose future is almost clear. Sharlyn Pacat was our school’s Leah Salonga. A very cool voice that would leave you very refreshed. You’ll get goosebumps, that is for sure. Rhoda, our powerhouse diva. An almost unlimited vocal range you’ll think this is absurd and you are insane. Noel and Gian are the males in my list. I can’t seem to place anymore descriptions but I know that they are my true friends and no matter what they would be there for me. Gian was my classmate from first year high school until I graduated from Pirit. And he never failed to always make me feel at ease whenever I am with him. Noel and Gian were the height of coolness in school, or so I believed. They were the people I felt so insecure of. They got the talents. They got the popularity I was craving for before (take note, before! Swear it was just before. LOL). Plus, they got the sense of humor that would never fail to knock you on your knees laughing. Sorry to COC, I have not heard anyone that could surpass these people. But I know there are co-college that has the same talent and may even surpass my former colleagues that I just need to discover.

The best basketball players. Me? That is a very unlikely answer. But there are a few I’ve seen. Joecen, Sonny Boy, Moy-moy(an older student that came from my Alma Matter).

The wackiest people I met. Leah Guillermo, Hazel Espinosa and my sistah Kate. They were gifted with the most number of sense of humor. They are the funniest to all extent. No one would be able to contend with them with this category. In COC, it would be Domingo Jr. or more known as Minggay. Everyone is a witness to that.

The most beautiful(that is in my eyes) woman. Lyka Rose Reyes Alpa. I really like(d?) her. Though I was a bit disappointed when I saw that her middle name is the same as mine. Gosh! And My friend was kidding me that we are soulmates? How in the hellish side of earth can you call your relative (I hope not) your soulmate?! But I would get to know her deeper, that I swear to myself. And dig unto her family background. And maybe, just maybe, we could be friends.

The most handsome. Well, I just saw him in our mirror earlier. LOL.

Guess I would be continuing this again next time.

Need to go now, again! Wish I could have more time with my blog. LOL. Bhetot signing off. Tah-tah mutants.

Most and -est of my life

A lot of things happened to me during this past semester and of course my life before that…I experienced and met a lot of people that touched, or at least made a difference, (in) my life.

Let us start…

Most Influential People in my Life: My dear Mama and Papa… Need I explain more? No one would ever influence me as much as they did.

The People that Loved me most: My mama and papa, I might include my brothers. No one would surpass their love for me…

Okay, let’s go beyond the walls of our home.

My best friend: Nikka Nina Enriquez. We might have fought a couple of times before, and it lasted for months, we still never get to give up our friendship. I might not be her best friend, it is a big alright, since I won’t contend with my siblings in heart. Our friendship started way back in first year high school. I try not to miss her a lot by going to her condo unit (which is just behind her school, UST) as much as possible.

My most coveted future company: Tracy Jean and Friends. You ever heard that? In the future, you would. A long story that started from a simple pathway, lunch and five extraordinary people. Funny, a single name stands out, that is sh*t joke. LOL. The five extraordinary people still get to see each though just a few times, because of distance and tight schedules. They may have gone to different colleges, they still remain to be attached in other ways. The five mutants are Renard, France, Maan, Agdeppa and Tracy.

My most favorite teacher in high school: Mr. Ariel Pasiliao. Though a lot of teachers helped me get through my expensive high school, he remains to stand out even if I have not seen him for 3 years. Very kind-hearted, very funny and very understanding. But beware, he had his strict side, he was no lenient at all times. Following is Mrs. Duaqui. I totally forgot her first name but I suddenly remembered her while typing this. Why did she become one of my favorites? She never stopped believing in my mental abilities, especially in her subject, History. I had a piece of her mind when my performance declined in her subject, thus garnering my respect and love. The third most favorite is Ms. Rosie Tan, my godmother. She helped me a lot, and I mean A LOT! LOL

My most resented teacher: Sister Corazon Guieb. I don’t know if this is sacrilege so I think I would owe you an explanation with this one, next tim, maybe next life? LOL

The most intelligent person I have known: *Ahem Ahem* No comment. I don’t know, everyone has their own intelligence.

The kindest person I have known in highschool: Mary Ann Canlas. She never left a rotten piece for anyone. She tries to understand everyone, which I won’t be able to do. Thus I salute for such kindness. One of the friends I won’t ever change for any treasure.

The kindest classmate I have in college: Sonny Boy Ramos. He doesn’t know that I think he is the kindest. But he is. No more explanation, I just feel like he is very kind but then again never loses his manliness. One of the people I would want to be like. Though an irregular student and not our classmate in all our subject, he fits in the picture very well. Life in BJ 1-1 ain’t be complete without him.

The closest to a Kuya I never had: Kuya Arvee. Then I start to wonder what his last name is. LOL. But he has been very kind to a simpleton freshie like me. I met him on their (now our) org’s  fun Fear Factor booth on our college Foundation Days. Then a ton added in my long list of friends, now acting as my older brother I never had. Though I never get to see him a lot lately, I know he would forever be my Kuya.

The closest to a Sister I never had: Kate Lacsina. She is fun, funny and fantastic. If ever I would have an Ate, she would be the most ideal for me. We laugh our heads out with each other’s funny jokes. She also believes in my ability, the same way I believe in hers. I still get to text her. And we call each other brotha and sistah. Surely we were siblings in our past lives. And I miss her so much.

Another sister for me: Thea Caalim. My kapatid. We always are trying to make fun of each other. I miss her as well. I can’t remember the first time we met but now, she seems to be a younger sister I would always protect.

The closest pal I have in college: Joecen Kevin Dalumpines. At first, a very silent person. Now, my day won’t be complete without his cursing. LOL. But funny, he was one of the first persons I get to be close with. I don’t know why but he is truly the closest friend I have in school. We are on the same gang at school now. He actually replaced the place of Kuya Ran Tunay after Ran decided not to continue college.

There would be a continuation of this list. I just need to shut the computer already. Tah-tah bloggers. Bhetot signing out.

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